In Short – Issue 4 (Winter 2026)

January 31, 2026

Image credit: OpenAI

Hey Chat

By Matt Meyer

Coming out of the closet can be one of the most deeply personal and emotional moments of your life, and there’s no single right way to do it. Here’s a thoughtful, step-by-step approach to announcing it to the world.

Make sure you’re a homosexual: Nobody likes a waffler. Confirm you’re truly gay by chatting with another young man in a chatroom on AOL Instant Messenger, then have your first sexual encounter with him in a cemetery. Although incredibly disrespectful, it’s a wonderful way to discover yourself and affirm your sexuality.

Be honest with yourself: Stop trying to make it work with Amy. Though she’s a very handsome 17-year-old, she’s not your type.

Take your time: Make up for your secret love of penis with blatant displays of toxic masculinity until you’re ready to come out. Point out how gay your friends are acting as often as possible and remind them how gross it is. 

Decide who not to tell: Don’t tell your high school friends until college. They’ll go from frighteningly conservative to annoyingly liberal. Also, don’t tell your parents for ten years. Though your mother has found gay porn in the browsing history of your family computer many times, you’ve already shamelessly blamed your sister.

Pick who to tell: This should be someone you trust, someone who has shown you empathy and support. This could include:

The mirror

The family dog

An upside-down mop

Come out as bisexual first: Though you know you’re as gay as the day is long, use the bisexual cop-out to ease into your public gayness. Even though you’ll be further propagating unfair stereotypes about fellow members of the acronym that already have enough shit to deal with, this is all about you.  

Finally… COME OUT AS GAY!  Tell no one, but instead, change the status of “Interested in” on Facebook to “Men” and then let it ride!

Just remember, when people begin to message you on social media, be honest and authentic, but you don’t owe everyone every detail—that is until you meet your first fag-hag.

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Matt Meyer is an MFA student at Northwestern University, focusing on fiction and nonfiction. When he's not writing, you can find him being a dog dad, old soul, and suffering from nerdosis.